Relationships: Where Do Women's Expectations Of Men Come From?

When it comes to what a man is going to be like or what a woman is going to be like, we all have a set of expectations. And although these can be consciously known, they are very often out of one's conscious awareness. So while a woman may be unaware of what their expectations are of men, they can find out in another way.

And the way they will typically find out is through the kind of men they attract into their lives and the kind of men they are attracted to. The general experiences that they have with men will reveal what they expect.

Random Occurrences

It would be natural to think that all men are the same or that one has no control over the kind of men that one comes into contact with, but these expectations have incredible power.

If one expects something, it will mean that they will pull it into their lives. Because this is not simply a passive process where one is observing what is showing up. What is showing up is actually the result of what is being asked for; the challenge is that this form of communication is often going on out of one's conscious awareness.

Relationships

And the kind of relationships that a woman has with men is going to be where they receive feedback about what they expect. This can relate to: family, colleagues, managers, friends and lovers for example.

Each of these areas of relationships can have a big impact on a women's life. And although they are all important and play a part in a women's life; the most important area will often relate to the kind of lovers they attract.

Higher Expectations

As this is often a foundation of any women's life and the area where they will be the most emotionally connected to a man and have the highest expectations; the rest will generally not be as important. They will still have an impact of course, but while a woman may consciously expect to be with a man that is respectful and loving for instance, they are likely to expect a lot less when it comes to a colleague, manager or a family member.

And as a result of expecting less, when these other relationships are not as fulfilling, it is not going to be as influential. For if a woman has a relationship with a man that is fulfilling the relationships with men that are not fulfilling are more likely to be dismissed and not taken personally.

But if a woman has not got a solid relationship with a lover or even with her father, brother or male friends, then there is not going to be as much to fall back on when they experience men in general as being unpleasant.

Expectations

Now, for some women their expectations of men will be fairly high and this could then lead to a woman having experiences with men that are fulfilling and rewarding. There will be other women who have fairly average expectations and their relationships may then be somewhat fulfilling and fairly rewarding.

And then there will be women who have extremely low expectations of men. This means that their experiences with mean are inevitably going to be unfulfilling and without much reward.

Two Levels

However, as some women will know - just because they have high expectations, it doesn't necessarily mean that the men they attract will match up. And this is the result of what is going on at a deeper level and how these two aspects can be in conflict with each other.

So there is what is consciously expected and this is often going to be the ideal and what a women truly wants to experience when it comes to men.

And at a deeper level there is another set of expectations and these can not only be in conflict with what is actually wanted, but they also have the biggest influence.

The Ego Mind

These expectations are often unknown at a conscious level, but they will be classed as familiar and therefore safe to the ego mind. And this means that they will be what one feels comfortable with and that is regardless of whether they are functional or healthy expectations,

Examples

There are going to be many expectations that a woman can have and some of the common ones are:

· That men are abusive

· That men can't be trusted

· That men are unreliable

· That men are controlling

· That men are unavailable in some way

· That men will invalidate who one is

· That men have no back bone

· That one will be abandoned or rejected by men

So while a woman wants to experience a man or men who are the opposite of these things; they continually end up with a man or men who mirror these examples and many others.

Causes

At first it might seem strange that a woman could feel comfortable with these experiences. However, the answers are often found in the kind of relationship a woman had with her father as a child and this is relationship that is not always functional.

Perhaps a woman had a father that was: abusive and controlling in some way; didn't keep to promises that were made or keep certain secrets; was rarely available either physically or emotionally and denied ones reality as a child.

And even though these experiences were not healthy or functional, they were what become familiar and the ego mind started to feel safe with them.

Reality

So the kind of men that one attracts and is attracted to now and the kind of experiences they have, mirror these early occurrences. And to experience men in any other way could feel uncomfortable and that something is not right. And this could lead to a woman sabotaging anything that goes against these early moments.

Awareness

What happened as a child may have happened many years ago, but its effects can saturate one's present life. And this is because the mind and body haven't moved on.

The minds associations will have to be changed and the emotions and feelings that had to be pushed out of one's awareness will need to be released. And as this takes place ones experiences of men will begin to change. This can be done through the assistance of a therapist, healer or coach.

If one feels that they don't need assistance, then some kind of self study and application might be enough. It will all depend on how much of a challenge this is.

My name is Oliver J R Cooper and I have been on a journey of self awareness for over nine years and for many years prior to that I had a natural curiosity.

For over two years, I have been writing articles. These cover psychology and communication. This has also lead to poetry.

One of my intentions is to be a catalyst to others, as other people have been and continue to be to me. As well as writing articles and creating poetry, I also offer personal coaching. To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

Feel free to join the Facebook Group -
https://www.Facebook.com/OliverJRCooper

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Relationships: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Are you one of those who are no longer happy in your long-term relationship or marriage, but are weighing up how much of yourself you have invested in it, while you ask yourself the question, "Should I stay or Should I Go?".

This is the dilemma of, Too good to leave and too bad to stay, and the ongoing state of ambivalence which this engenders, can be very corrosive over a long period of time, and can also lead to illness and depression.

When you are involved in this kind of scenario you tend to become increasingly disconnected from your partner or spouse, and feel more and more lonely and despondent as time goes on. After a while you run out of strategies as to how to change the situation. When it becomes intolerable, one or other makes a decision to separate or divorce. The trouble is, often this involves breaking up a family and everyone facing the prospect of living in reduced circumstances.

From Intolerable to Intolerable

The move towards separation and the prospect of not being in each other's lives begins to feel more painful and eventually intolerable. It is at this point that you decide to "give it another go". Unfortunately, this usually means trying behaviours and approaches that have been tried and failed before. Soon the honeymoon is over (again) and the relationship begins to slide back to where it was before, and both of you feel even more despondent, hopeless, sad and demoralised, and decide once again that the only way ahead is to separate. The situation is again intolerable.

Once again you begin to move towards separation, and once again, when the prospect of actually living apart and sorting out contact arrangements and maintenance payments for the children is on the agenda, the pain increases and again,you decide to try again.

Consequences of Ambivalence

This kind of oscillation is not uncommon with couples. Sadly most couples generally do not access professional help to support them in moving beyond the impasse and to explore other ways of moving through the impasse. Eventually, one may finish up really rocking the boat by having an Exit Affair perhaps, whether consciously or unconsciously engaged in. Often this is the final straw to the other party and provides the impetus to proceed with the divorce or separation. Many decide to pursue the separation or divorce route, out of sheer desperation, because they can no longer stand the constant ambivalence, and, particularly if they have a milestone event like a 40th birthday, death of a parent or a New Year.

A Tale of Two Couples

As the saying goes, "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got. Do something different."

I recently was seeing two couples for coaching, each of whom had been in this position of oscillating between staying or going for a number of years. They were all deeply unhappy and concerned that the situation was now affecting their respective children, (which it was) who in different ways were beginning to display behavioural problems.

In order to turn such a situation around couples need to be able to step aside from their problems long enough to learn some essential knowledge about relationship dynamics and also to acquire new knowledge and a range of relating skills to implement that knowledge. Couples also need to have a degree of insight into their own patterns which they have taken on board from their early environment, usually their primary caregivers, and which are no longer serving their relationship.

One couple, let's call them Jean and John stayed in the Karpman Triangle for a long time, blaming and criticising each other. Eventually however, they managed to take on board what I was teaching them, and started to do the work on themselves and now have made a great breakthrough and see what I was driving at for so long.

The other couple, Jack and Sally, played the game of "I'm leaving, let's get a divorce" for so long and then made up and recycled this about twice a year, that neither of them would stop their Game Playing at the same time, or long enough to actually do the necessary work of learning about their unhelpful patterns and reconnecting with each other in a more meaningful way. During one of their "let's get a divorce" swings, Jack actually went ahead and applied for divorce. They are now very unhappily divorced and putting so much time into making contact arrangements for their two children, that they both wish they had made the effort to stop fighting and to learn some new strategies to change their situation.

Underlying Problem

The underlying problem for both couples was that they were both unaware of the ways in which their unconscious patterns affected their relationships, and continued to blame each other. Jean and Jack eventually agreed to lay down their arms, and got into some alignment with each other while they learned some relationship lessons and skills. They are now relating on a much deeper and more intimate way and are well on the way to "Happily ever after".

Jack and Sally remained entrenched in their old patterns and refused to set them aside long enough to learn about how relationships work and acquire some skill in applying that. They appear all set to have some very unhappy years and then to go on to repeat the same unhelpful patterns in another relationship.

Getting Out of Your Own Way

No one teaches us this relationship stuff, but it is a wise couple who recognise when they run into trouble, that they have reached the end of their limits in terms of knowledge and skill; not necessarily their relationship. It is a milestone in everyone's personal development (although not everyone passes it) to review their early conditioning and review how they operate in terms of their life in the here and now, rather than how they were told their life and relationships should, ought, or must be. Instead of going to war with each other and perceiving each other as the enemy, they can become Allies and support each other to make their own individual reviews and adjustments perhaps with the help of a skilled Coach.

It Doesn't Have To Be Either/Or

With some professional guidance, couples can agree to have a controlled separation, while they work through any personal development issues they may have, which get in the way of the couple relationship. They could also commit to staying together for an agreed period of time such as 3-6 months, while they follow a coaching program. If after all this, their situation has not improved, at least they both know they have given the relationship their best shot, and can part with much less acrimony.

Grace Chatting is the Founder of Relationship Academy, where they teach lessons you didn't learn at school. With a professional background working with children and families, Grace is a Psychotherapist, Family Mediator and a Relationship Coach. She has set up Relationship Academy to deliver Online Video Courses and Programs for Singles and Couples and those who have Divorced or Separated. It is a work in progress but you can visit the website http://relationshipacademy.co.uk/ where you can sign up for a free video series offering a Blueprint In Building Happier Relationships and Families. You may also email Grace with any queries at grace@relationshipacademy.co.uk

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